Xoxo

"Xoxo", he texted. And I thought about how I said that to you once before and you said it back... reluctantly I'm sure.

So I didn't wrote it back. Not just because I didn't want to, but because I couldn't.

Sometimes I'll let somebody hurt me until I find the next person I'm willing to let destroy me. Not that I want to be destroyed or expect it...well now I kinda do. And I say I let them because I do, I let them. I allow them to continuously hurt me by replaying what went wrong, what I did wrong, where I went wrong over and over and over again. They're not hurting me anymore at this point, I'm hurting myself.

Why does it hurt so much I keep wondering? I wasn't in love with you...but I'll admit I wanted to be. At one point I guess. I've felt heartache worse than this before, the excruciating, wanting to die kind of heart break. This time was different though because of the indifference, the coldness of the cut off.

I knew you wouldn't come back to me. You didn't know me, you hadn't felt me..maybe physically, but not emotionally. I wonder if you ever felt anybody emotionally. I think not, you seem skilled at detachment.

You moved on and I was still stuck. Running in circles like a dog chasing its tail. Waking up everyday to a constant alarm in my brain screaming at me , "You're not good enough, you're just not enough."

Falling Off Cliffs...

Sometimes I'm not sure if I was pushed off,
I accidentally fell,
or I voluntarily jumped

"I feel like my life is deteriorating", I said to him (something I've said a lot in the past couple of months)
"Why, because you broke up with your boyfriend?", he replied
"No, because I'm just not where I thought I should be at this point in my life."
"Well I think this has all really humbled you, you're the coolest you've ever been Shauna."

Then I went home and threw up Carls Jr. in the shower from drinking too much in the past couple of days.

Guess that's cool though.

Outlines

Relationships are like puzzles,
at first every piece fits together perfectly,
but after awhile the pieces go missing
and it's never quite right again.

"I wanna feel like those girls in the movies"

Consciously as females we know that love isn't like what it's portrayed to be in the movies, but subconsciously I think deep down we think there is a slight chance that it could be. Unfortunately I have come to the realization that this is not the case, no matter how hard my little heart wishes it to be. Nobody will ever run after you in an airport, to the train, on the streets. After walking away, he won't look over his shoulder for you, he won't run after you, he won't care. The guy that hurt your feelings, abandoned you and shattered you.. well he won't see his mistakes, he won't apologize, and after a couple weeks he won't even remember your face... no matter how beautiful and the more desperate you are the uglier you become. He won't hold you when you cry, he won't tell you that everything will be alright. There is no knight in shining armor, there's just fucked up emotions and dealing with your own pain. Nobody will be there to catch you when you fall and if that's what you depend on then you'll break your neck falling on empty concrete.

"Practice losing farther, losing faster"

Have you ever loved somebody so much that it hurts? Not a good hurt, but a small aching pain, that presents itself in every moment of weakness you incur. It hurts when you’re not with them, but it hurts when you are. You hurt each other, you hurt your friends, you hurt your families.  The hurting starts out small, but eventually grows into a fire that you cannot contain, taking out everything in its way until all that’s left is the ashes of what remains.
 Nothing. 
It’s like screaming, but when you open your mouth there’s no sound. It’s like wanting to crawl out of  your body and becoming nothing. It’s like getting lost and then drowning in a lonely lake. It’s like dying and nobody even remembering your name.  They never tell you what it’s like to experience real pain. It hurts when you sleep, it hurts when you eat, it hurts when you breathe. 

Mockingjay: A review

Finishing a good book is like losing a close friend. For two weeks Katniss Everdeen was my best friend… but much to my dismay.. her story is done. I want to share my thoughts and hear other people’s opinions as well.  

If you haven’t read all the Hunger Games series and plan to (or plan to watch the movies) then do not read this!

First I would like to address the Gale vs. Peeta debate. As the book developed I was pretty neutral about who I thought she might choose, and who I thought she should choose. In the beginning I will admit I was rooting for Gale, especially in Catching Fire when he told her he loved her and they kissed, but in the arena when she kissed Peeta and she said she felt something inside her, I began to change my mind. By the time their story had progressed in Mockingjay all I could think about the whole time was, what is going to happen to Peeta? And when he was rescued and brought to District 13, brainwashed and damaged, I was devastated, as was Katniss. That’s when I knew it had to be Peeta and at one point even Gale admits it. The last page when she describes why she chose* Peeta, it’s not just Peeta she’s choosing it’s also a representation of a way of living life and prevailing that she’s choosing. That there can still be compassion after all of the pain and “the bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction.”

*I don’t think there ever was a choice, it was always going to be Peeta

In some forums I read, some people thought Katniss and Peeta’s love story wasn’t “epic” enough at the end. In my opinion it’s not a love story, it’s about war and the role it plays in humanity. They were broken, but in the end they did love each other. It was real and that’s what made the story so beautifully heartbreaking to finish.

Now second topic: President Coin. I don’t know what everybody else thought, but I thought there should have been more of an explanation behind the trial. Am I supposed to believe that Katniss killed the primary leader of the revolution and that they just attributed it to her being crazy and everybody bought it? Or do we assume that the other districts understood who President Coin really was? I felt like this could have been an opportunity to develop the story further, but maybe the point is that Katniss didn’t owe anybody an explanation  anymore. I knew eventually there would be some sort of showdown/confrontation between her and Coin and I loved the symbolism of her using the arrow to kill her instead of Snow. She wasn’t going to be a token anymore for anybody’s war…for anybody’s dishonesty and justifications of what’s right and what’s wrong.

Finally, I thought this story was quite deep to be considered a young adult series, with all the anti- war symbolism and because of the damaging effects on the characters from the horrifyingly traumatic events. I keep wondering how they will spin this in the movies, how Hollywood will take the shining heroine and turn her into a broken, mentally unstable girl who hides in closets and contemplates suicide. Ultimately that’s what makes this story so ironic because Katniss never wanted to be star or an icon, but she was forced to be one in her world and now in ours. 

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The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
-Eleanor Roosevelt